theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
