He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
