the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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