remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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