What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
