whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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