I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
