oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
