New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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