it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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