If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
