im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
