I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
