You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
