Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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