my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He felt like a one man threesome
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
