You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
