Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
bring money and cleavage
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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