i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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