He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
