I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
