Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
