Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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