You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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