rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
