I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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