Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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