nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
