So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
