Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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