I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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