Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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