and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
