I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So vagazzling was a success
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
