Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
