You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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