What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
