It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
