like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
