Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
