Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
