So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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