I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
