I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
