Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
