I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize