This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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