I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
