We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
