please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
