When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
