I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
