I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
