i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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