doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
