I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
