I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
