Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
