I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
