Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
