hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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